my mind

Every time I look outside of my window, my hands started to sweats as thoughts running wildly inside my head.

Every time I walk outside, be it mall, grocery shop or any other places full of people, thoughts running wildly as my lips felt dried.

I know it just in my head, I know it just in my head and yet, but still, yet I was scared of the thoughts,

They look at me, judge me, whispering behind me, I know it just in my head, I know it just in my head and yet, but still, yet I was scared of the thoughts.

Every time I need to go outside, thoughts running wildly as my feet felt so cold and my hands seem likes not my hands at the time.

I know it just in my head, I know it just in my and yet, but still, yet I was scared of the thoughts,

I know it just in my head but who should I trust if not myself then? Right?

The world is corrupted and full of hypocrisy.

Aren't they beautiful?

numb

I thought I'm happy enough.

But everything seems dull.

Morning is tiring yet you want to stay awake.

Afternoon is eating me up.

Evening seems familiar when its not.

Night seems so right but uncomfortable.

Midnight is suffocating yet bearable and comforting.

Be it sunny, be it raining or be it cloudy.

I don't find feelings in those.

Sunny day feels restless but you had to walk anyway.

Raining day always giving this melancholy vibes yet it feel so unfamiliar.

Cloudy day just nothing, empty, wide grey sky but I find it beautiful.

So why? Why am I feeling but it feels so unrealistic?

As if reality and illusion entwine together without a visible border.

I was mesmerized yet scared...

And I stop questioning myself before I losing it.

"Can I stayed sane in this delusional reality?"

dream

Today I saw myself reliving the old memories, no, dream. I saw myself inside my dream.

One moment it felt like a reality but one moment it felt like a dream.

I know it was a dream but I said to myself that its not a dream.

My concious telling me that this is a dream, and like a blink of eyes I realize it is a dream.

How funny, myself in the dream seem to know it was a dream yet she doesn't want to wake up.

The memories, the scene, the air felt so nostalgic that it makes me felt so suffocated yet I still want to be in that dream.

The moment I realize I want to stayed, I awake.

pattern

It hurt when you had a memories with someone but it end with separation. I told myself, it's okay  since everything happen for a reason but to who I was lying? Separation, break up and goodbye is the reason why I am so afraid of letting people in. Somehow I got too attached to someone and I hold them dearly once I really like them.

But in my case, when I hold someone dearly it always end up with betrayal, trust issues and ego. I admit its hard to maintain a good relationship, be it with our significant other or our friends, the pattern is always the same.

We happy, we fight, we turn back to each other, we seek comfort from each other, we trust, we lied, we separate.

The pattern is always the same.

smile

When I was little I taught to smile.

I taught to always smile when talking to people so they won't feel uncomfortable.

I taught to always smile to make me look more polite.

I taught to always smile because smiles can make other people day better.

I taught to always smile when I don't know what to said.

I taught to always smile when I think my answer will hurt other people feelings.

I taught to always smile because I would look prettier.

But that was when I were a child.

Growing older, I turn bitter and smile is what I hate the most. Why? I got ego and I don't want to waste my smile to people who act like they don't need it.

self love

I thought love perfect when we've fallen for someone and we cherished them dearly. But, I never thought loving alone would hurt so much.

I never hide my love and always show my affection towards them so where did all go wrong? Do my affection my care and love does not enough to satisfied them?

I fell into despair and lost.

Then, someone said this to me; "Do you love yourself,____?"

My hands shaking and I swallow back my words.

They said; "How could our love enough for you when you alone does not love yourself,____."

I laugh in tears as I tried to look for a way out from these hollow place.

And they added; "Love yourself first,____."

I said ; "Will that day ever come..."

greed

You live only once, so you go all out living as if death is so far from you.

I bet the whole world around you is spinning.

The greed eating you alive and manipulate you into something lusty yet seem so right to you.

I believe they laughing at you.

The greed that you keep feeding on grow into something scary but alluring.

You’ve been blinded yet you keep on carrying the thoughts that there’s always tomorrow waiting for you.

I believe living that way will only bring you down.

So down you won’t believe the centre of earth does exist.