pattern

It hurt when you had a memories with someone but it end with separation. I told myself, it's okay  since everything happen for a reason but to who I was lying? Separation, break up and goodbye is the reason why I am so afraid of letting people in. Somehow I got too attached to someone and I hold them dearly once I really like them.

But in my case, when I hold someone dearly it always end up with betrayal, trust issues and ego. I admit its hard to maintain a good relationship, be it with our significant other or our friends, the pattern is always the same.

We happy, we fight, we turn back to each other, we seek comfort from each other, we trust, we lied, we separate.

The pattern is always the same.

smile

When I was little I taught to smile.

I taught to always smile when talking to people so they won't feel uncomfortable.

I taught to always smile to make me look more polite.

I taught to always smile because smiles can make other people day better.

I taught to always smile when I don't know what to said.

I taught to always smile when I think my answer will hurt other people feelings.

I taught to always smile because I would look prettier.

But that was when I were a child.

Growing older, I turn bitter and smile is what I hate the most. Why? I got ego and I don't want to waste my smile to people who act like they don't need it.

self love

I thought love perfect when we've fallen for someone and we cherished them dearly. But, I never thought loving alone would hurt so much.

I never hide my love and always show my affection towards them so where did all go wrong? Do my affection my care and love does not enough to satisfied them?

I fell into despair and lost.

Then, someone said this to me; "Do you love yourself,____?"

My hands shaking and I swallow back my words.

They said; "How could our love enough for you when you alone does not love yourself,____."

I laugh in tears as I tried to look for a way out from these hollow place.

And they added; "Love yourself first,____."

I said ; "Will that day ever come..."